Whether you and your spouse have found yourselves trying to rebuild from a crisis within your relationship or just feel that your communication could be stronger, you have decided to try therapy together to find clarity. You may be on the brink of divorce and trying to decide whether or not the marriage can be saved, or just looking to increase your closeness and conflict resolution skills. Oftentimes, during the beginning of treatment, things can start to feel more tense than expected. Some couples may be thinking, “oh, we’ve been unhappy for so long,” and thought it couldn’t possibly get worse. And yet, it somehow has! “We finally reached out for help, why would things be getting more contentious?!” The truth is that couples therapy is a process—often one that involves discomfort, grief, and growing pains.
This is a common experience for many couples who have just started their therapeutic journey. It’s true that it can feel worse before it feels like things are improving when you and your spouse are first starting therapy together. While it seems counter-intuitive, this does not necessarily mean that the therapy isn’t working. In fact, this could be a good indication that treatment is doing its job. Here’s why:
Past wounds are coming to the surface during this process. Therapy invites you to slow down and look at what’s really going on in your relationship—beneath the day-to-day conflicts (for example, most relationship conflict isn’t about “the thing” [the dishes, the text message, the tone]. It’s about deeper patterns—like not feeling seen, valued, safe, or understood). In therapy, you’re now revisiting long-standing pain or unmet needs. You might uncover feelings or thoughts you’ve buried just to keep the peace. Understandably, that can feel raw or destabilizing in the beginning.
You and your partner are breaking out of old patterns together. Most couples operate through maladaptive tendencies, such as cycles of withdrawal, criticism, or avoidance. In therapy, those routines are identified and challenged. However, before new, healthier ways of coping are established, the old ones often get louder, or feel more prominent. It’s like remodeling a house: things tend to look messier before they look better. Couples therapy disrupts that status quo by asking you to look more closely—at yourselves, at each other, and at the dynamic that exists within the relationship.
That said, we all develop coping strategies—like defensiveness, shutting down, or people-pleasing—that once protected us from painful interactions but now are blocking the connection we could have with our partners. Therapy gently (or sometimes not-so-gently) challenges those tendencies, which can feel uncomfortable or even threatening until new tools are in place and adjusted to.
Communication gets more real in the therapy room. You might start saying things to your partner that you’ve never said out loud before. That honesty is essential, but it can feel risky or even painful. Sometimes it feels like you’re fighting more, but it may just be that you’re finally saying things that matter. That kind of vulnerability is powerful, but it also can feel scary! This can cause tension in the relationship as you and your partner both adjust to showing up more fully and truthfully with one another. But on the other side of that discomfort? Deeper connection.
Growth can feel disorienting. Even positive change can feel destabilizing. If the relationship starts to shift—even for the better—it can make you and your partner question your roles, expectations, or sense of identity within the partnership. This can sometimes be an emotionally intense transition.
The good news is that although it may feel uncomfortable and at times painful in the short-term, things feeling worse at first can be a sign that you’re doing the real, courageous work of healing and change. With a skilled Couples therapist, those tough moments are held with care, and they pave the way for deeper understanding, connection, and growth, bringing you and your partner closer together and creating long-lasting, positive change in your relationship.
